1. For a family I saw at Meijers. It was like a mom and five children. She was rather overwhelmed and one of the children was telling her how he hated her. She said, "That is fine," but I could tell it really pinched a nerve. Pray that God gives her strength, hope, and is present in her family.
2. For my mental diagnosis-- Bipolar. God has been instrumental in bringing peace to my heart and rescuing me from the clutches of satan as I was bound for years spiritually through Manic-Depression. Now, it's lessening, God is speaking volumes into my life, and I've reduced my drug intake considerably, but I'm asking you to pray for my full recovery. By the Name of Jesus.
Praise the Lord that there was this series on MTV today called, "The Life and Times of...." It featured today the rapper, Kayne West, and he got up there and boldly proclaimed the name of Jesus and sang a song to his mom about how great she is! It was so unexpected to see a bright light on MTV. I want to buy his album because he took his fame and spoke as clear as a sermon on MTV where millions could view him speaking on a Saturday!
"It is by faith in the name of Jesus that has brought complete healing to this man."
I am this man!
Jesus has cured me of:
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
I sleep well and have inner peace!
Oh God, do hear my cry.
To You I have ignored.
In my day of shame,
I hid behind the bush and ran to the tree,
to consume what my hungry flesh may.
Devouring every last apple,
'til the tree became pale,
and me sick and empty,
my venom spew forth all over my being,
the vomit of a drunk on carnality,
on hate outward cast inward,
This is what I've become.
But in me you still remain,
oh Ray of light,
Shine in me,
Fill up the empty pain-laden vessel,
Restore unto me the joy of my salvation,
bringing with it a sound mind,
declared By Your Name Jesus,
Binding the works of the evil one in the name of you Jesus.
I am free.
Ready to fly.
Ready to do Your work.
By Your spoken Word,
My decision I make today will effect the rest of my life...
to stay or to go...
I feel I'm carried down a cookie-cut path with one direction, thinking not for myself. What can I create from my own? What can I explore on my own accord? Where is the right time to jump out or stay in?
Careful slow thinking is required. Is there one direction, one path I belong down and failure everywhere else? Look how far I've come. What is failure? What is success? What brings satisfaction? What breaks the spirit and what restores it? Back to Open Space I may sing...
Missing yesterday, cherishing today, growing into a new creature.
Yes, I love teaching. I love inspiring. I love reaching. I have a place. I have a belonging. But...
why should I leave then? Why do I feel I can't go on? Am I giving up or am I making a good decision?
This is a one of a kind learning opportunity I have.
I am in it.
What prompted me to gain the heart to give up?
When did the dream slip out of my fingers?
Why do I fail to regain my bearings?
Where does my hope come from?
I go to bed and wake up and my atheist roommate says I yell violently and toss and turn in my sleep.
I come home exhausted everyday from internship and I'm told that I'm more of a drain than a contribution.
Already, in the first 500 meters of the five mile race, I feel dead.
I feel like cashing in my chips,
but the chips are all I am.
So to give up is to die.
You know, I'd just like to go back to preschool teaching. ;) I would like to do one more Sunday School lesson like back in the day. I would like to be seen as a positive force in this world. I would like stand on the mountain or swim in the valley and have the Lord say well done.
You know God, all I've struggled with has begun to fall by the way-side.
I longed so long to be done with lust-- it passes away as unimportant.
I didn't know how to give up the bottle or the cigarrette-- yet it left as swiftly as it entered.
I longed to walk down the steps of a hallway with pride and make students and faculty's day,
that seemed to come and pass already.
Right here, I feel I have little hope.
The breath I have should be spent on doing some schoolwork right now, at least something, dammit, but I wrote because it has to come out.
My bitterness is seething.
And my handle on life is so off right now, that I almost got hit by a car yesterday. They won't slowdown! GRRR...
I'll just say it feels like I'm broken to hear you say, that I'm taking away from your ability to perform in the classroom and have the students needs met. And I feel if I left, I would be permanently blemished. That there would be this scar that made me unemployable, that there would be nothing to cover my medicine.
i am breaking...
do i belong here?
what am i?
Lord I feel dead to this world. I feel like I barely know you or myself.
I feel like I'm just not good enough and I feel lackluster. Where is the internal drive?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Thank you for helping me learn a lot where I'm at.
Thank you for turning me away from many of the demons that I've been enslaved to.
I don't think I'm standing on you though.
I don't think I'm drawing hope from you.
And I think I'm falling to pieces.
I can barely wake up...
What is right to do in this circumstance?
Everyday I'm told it could be my last day, do I really want this, now's my chance to answer.
When the odds are stacked against me,
when it seems that
You are officially old...
when you roll your eyes when your house schedules a party...
when you are dude walking down the street wearing dress shoes, high black socks, shorts, and a sleeveless outdated shirt "trendy" shirt and you don't care...
before internship, I couldn't discipline myself to keep a schedule,
I couldn't stop drinking,
I kept returning to smoking,
and falling in pornography,
not getting enough sleep,
couldn't discipline myself to read the Bible,
always wasting time,
Now, I feel like I'm wasting time just writing this reflection...
Like I will cause a cataclysmic event if I drink one beer,
Like I must go to bed at 10 because no matter what I'll still wake up like I got no sleep,
Like I must carry a water bottle at all times,
Eat three healthy meals a day,
Like I don't have enough energy for lust,
Like the Bible is there to keep me alive,
Like I'm infinitely behind no matter what,
always walking to and from school and college-- sometimes as much as 60 minutes a day.
Like I don't have to worry about wasting another Saturday,
because it's already booked with tuition payments, cascades of homework, required housework, and even a 2-3 hour visit to the elementary school.
This is my life.