||[Sep. 15th, 2005|08:29 am]
What prompted me to gain the heart to give up?|
When did the dream slip out of my fingers?
Why do I fail to regain my bearings?
Where does my hope come from?
I go to bed and wake up and my atheist roommate says I yell violently and toss and turn in my sleep.
I come home exhausted everyday from internship and I'm told that I'm more of a drain than a contribution.
Already, in the first 500 meters of the five mile race, I feel dead.
I feel like cashing in my chips,
but the chips are all I am.
So to give up is to die.
You know, I'd just like to go back to preschool teaching. ;) I would like to do one more Sunday School lesson like back in the day. I would like to be seen as a positive force in this world. I would like stand on the mountain or swim in the valley and have the Lord say well done.
You know God, all I've struggled with has begun to fall by the way-side.
I longed so long to be done with lust-- it passes away as unimportant.
I didn't know how to give up the bottle or the cigarrette-- yet it left as swiftly as it entered.
I longed to walk down the steps of a hallway with pride and make students and faculty's day,
that seemed to come and pass already.
Right here, I feel I have little hope.
The breath I have should be spent on doing some schoolwork right now, at least something, dammit, but I wrote because it has to come out.
My bitterness is seething.
And my handle on life is so off right now, that I almost got hit by a car yesterday. They won't slowdown! GRRR...
I'll just say it feels like I'm broken to hear you say, that I'm taking away from your ability to perform in the classroom and have the students needs met. And I feel if I left, I would be permanently blemished. That there would be this scar that made me unemployable, that there would be nothing to cover my medicine.
i am breaking...
do i belong here?
what am i?
Lord I feel dead to this world. I feel like I barely know you or myself.
I feel like I'm just not good enough and I feel lackluster. Where is the internal drive?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Thank you for helping me learn a lot where I'm at.
Thank you for turning me away from many of the demons that I've been enslaved to.
I don't think I'm standing on you though.
I don't think I'm drawing hope from you.
And I think I'm falling to pieces.
I can barely wake up...
What is right to do in this circumstance?
Everyday I'm told it could be my last day, do I really want this, now's my chance to answer.
When the odds are stacked against me,
when it seems that